Bonsai and Boyfriends
by knacc
Summary: Maya and Hammerlock are having their weekly coffee get together when Hammerlock sees someone who catches his eye. Set in a contemporary!AU where the Vault Hunters are housemates. Torgue/Hamerlock with background Maya/Krieg.


"I've been trying to talk him into spending more nights at the house since its getting colder but it's not really working. He's just so resistant to change and he really hates accepting people's hospitality. I mean, I know its not fair of me to expect so much from him or to push him out of his comfort zone... I'm just scared I'm going to wake up one day and he'll be…" Maya notices a far away look in her table partner's eyes and pauses. "Are you even still listening to me?" she cocks her head to the side.

"Yes quite," Hammerlock mumbles while staring right past her.

Maya turns around to see an enormous shirtless man waiting in line for coffee. He's just reached the counter where he's greeted by a disapproving looking Moxxi.

"Now Mr. Flexington, as much as I love to see your magnificent abs, this is a respectable place of business and I've told you before that that means shirts are required." She points at a sign hanging below the register that says in large letters "NO SHOES, NO SHIRT, NO SERVICE" and in slightly smaller letters right below that, "THIS MEANS YOU, TORGUE!"  
>"BUT MISS MOXXI," Torgue shouts, "I AM WEARING A SHIRT. OR TO BE MORE CORRECT, A FLEXIBLE LCD SCREEN THAT HAS BEEN SHAPED IN TO A SHIRT."<p>

Moxxi drops her normal sultry tone and crosses her arms. "Oh for the love of- I'm sick of your excuses. Now, you'll put a shirt on or I'll have to throw you out."

"NO, NO, I'M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU, I SWEAR. SEE, RIGHT NOW ITS PROJECTING A REALISTIC IMAGE OF MY CHEST BUT I CAN CHANGE IT SO IT SHOWS OTHER STUFF. LIKE EXPLOSIONS," suddenly in the place of an excessively muscular male torso, a series of large explosions can be seen. "OR A BADASS ROCK CONCERT," the image on the shirt switches to video of a man with exceptionally long hair wailing on a guitar. "OR OR A LIVE 24 HOUR FEED OF MY PRIZED BONSAI TREE," the man is replaced by a rather impressive looking bonsai tree being filmed from several angles. Torgue flexes his arms, making the bonsai ripple slightly. "PRETTY FUCKING AWESOME, RIGHT?"

Moxxi uncrosses her arms and smiles, her sultry tone returning, "I'm sorry I doubted you, sugar. That is a rather impressive shirt you've got there. Now what will you be having?"

As the giant man begins to list off his order, Maya turns back around and raises an eyebrow at Hammerlock. "Really?"

He keeps staring at Torgue for a moment longer before shaking his head and returning his attention to Maya. "I'm terribly sorry, what were you saying?"

Maya rolls her eyes, "Nothing, so do you know that guy from somewhere?"

"Yes and I dare say you do as well. Certainly you've seen or heard the advertisements for Torgue's 24/7/366 Screaming Fireworks Shop? The ones with the man shouting at the top of his lungs over the sound of things exploding?"

Maya shrugs and shakes her head, "I don't watch much TV. Three hundred and sixty-six?"

"Yes," Hammerlock says, "I believe it is hyperbole to emphasize how consistently the store is open but I may be wrong."

Maya is considering that idea when she overhears Moxxi say, "I really like the caterpillar statue you have sitting on your bonsai. It's very lifelike."

Torgue eyebrows shoot up. He paws at his shirt, trying to get a better look and shouting, "CATERPILLAR? WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU SEE A CATERPILLAR?"

Moxxi points, confusion obvious on her face. "It's right there. Is it not supposed to be?"

"FUCK, I GOTTA GO," he says, tearing out of the building faster than a man his size should be able to move. "MUSASHI, I'M COMING FOR YOU!"

"You forgot your," Moxxi begins to shout but quickly gives up, her voice lowering to a normal volume, "coffee." She sighs and shakes her head, "That man."

"Yes," Hammerlock coughs, his cheeks slightly flushed as his eyes return to look at Maya, "what a charming man. I do hope his bonsai is alright."

Maya is rolling her eyes in response when out of nowhere, Torgue reappears, looming over Hammerlock, all problems with caterpillars and prized bonsais momentarily forgotten. "EXCUSE ME," he grins, "YOU WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE SIR ABRAHAM HAMMERLOCK JR, THE WRITER OF THE AWARD WINNING, 'DANGEROUS CREATURES OF AFRICA', WOULD YOU?"

Hammerlock smiles coyly, "Guilty as charged, I'm afraid."

Torgue smiles even wider, his already enthusiastic voice and gestures becoming more so at this revelation. "HOLY SHIT, I LOVE YOUR BOOK! THE PART WHERE YOU TELL THE STORY ABOUT HOW YOU LOST YOUR LEG TO THAT LION AND THEN KILLED IT AND THEN CRAWLED TWENTY MILES WHILE YOU WERE BLEEDING TO DEATH IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE STORIES IN THE HISTORY OF FOREVER." Torgue hands him a card, "I'VE GOT SOME NEW FIREWORKS I WANT TO TEST OUT BEFORE THEY ENTER CIRCULATION IN MY STORES. YOU SHOULD COME TELL ME THAT STORY IN PERSON AND MAYBE SHOW ME YOUR SCARS." Torgue pulls down his shades and winks exaggeratedly. Hammerlock blushes slightly. "MY NUMBER AND THE ADDRESS ARE ON THE CARD. MEET ME THERE AT 7:30 TONIGHT, OR OPTIONALLY, CALL ME AND ARRANGE A BETTER TIME."

Hammerlock turns the card over in his hand before pocketing it and looking back up at the giant man. "7:30 would be just lovely. Should I eat before hand?"

"I'M GONNA GRILL US UP SOME STEAKS TO THE MAJESTIC GLOW OF SHIT BLOWING THE FUCK UP IF THAT SOUNDS OKAY TO YOU?"

"It sounds perfect actually. I'll see you this evening then."

"FUCK YEAH," Torgue says and pulls down his shades to wink again.

Hammerlock watches him go rather wistfully until he seems to remember something and calls after him, "Do you believe your bonsai will be alright? I'd be terrible sorry if I ended up being the reason you were unable to save him in time."

Torgue turns around, grinning ear to ear. "NAH, HE'S FINE. WHEN I REALIZED I'D SEEN YOU IN HERE, I JUST TEXTED MY STAFF AND THEY FIXED IT FOR ME. MEETING YOU WAS TOO GREAT A CHANCE TO PASS UP."

"I'm honored you feel that way. See you tonight," Hammerlock smiles and winks almost as awkwardly as Torgue had earlier.

Torgue's beaming and about to walk out the door a second time without his coffee when Moxxi holds a drink and bag out towards him, saying, "Please don't leave again without your purchases, Mr. Flexington." She wiggles her eyebrows to hide her annoyance. "I value your business."

"OH THANKS," he shouts, "YOU'RE A LIFESAVER."

Moxxi just shakes her head at his back when he turns around before calling after him, "Enjoy your date tonight, sugar."

Maya turns around and stares blankly at Hammerlock for a moment as he sighs like a smitten school girl. "You can't actually be considering going out with that guy, can you?"

Hammerlock's pleased expression crinkles into a frown. "Why, of course I am. Why ever would I not?"

"The guy invited you to set off some explosives in a remote lot on the outskirts of town. He could be a murderer for all you know."

"Torgue is a reputable business man. A pillar of our community. Also…" he pauses and shakes his head, "no nevermind, that is far too rude a thing to say, especially to as dear a friend as yourself."

Maya rolls her eyes. "Just tell me and I'll decide if you stepped over a line."

"It's just that... it seems rather odd that you'd be worried about me and Mr. Flexington when your homeless 'friend' is, how shall I say it... terrifying beyond all reason?"

Hammerlock puts finger quotes around the word 'friend' but Maya's not sure what exactly he's implying. She gets the rest of it though and feels her hands curls into tight fists in her lap. She bites her tongue and lets out a slow breath before she says, "Alright, that's a little not okay. Krieg is… well, harmless isn't the right word but I know he'd never hurt me. Or anyone who didn't attack him first." Hammerlock is opening his mouth to interject so she hurries to add, "And if I've somehow judged him wrong, which I know I haven't, and he did try something, I'd be able to take care of myself."

"That you can, my dear. And I'm sorry that I offended you so but I'm just trying to make a point, lest you forget that I'm more than capable of protecting myself as well." He knocks on his prosthetic leg as if to remind her. "I'm a bit of a badass if I do say so myself."

Maya thinks about the lion and the time with the crocodile, considering how scary Torgue is relative them and sighs. "Fine, you're right. Just make sure your phone is charged and call me if anything gets hairy. Oh and give me that card; I'll entering the address into my phone so I can help you out in a pinch."

Hammerlock digs the card out of his pocket and hands it over with a grin, "Whatever you say, mum."

Maya frowns, "Don't call me that. I'm just being practical."

"I shall refrain from teasing you so if you agree that your definition of practical is far outside the norm for such things."

Maya sighs and shakes her head, "Fine, you win. I'm a worrywort." There's an awkward silence for a moment before she adds, "I do hope your date goes well. I know it's been awhile and he seems like your type."

"Oh thank you, I do hope so too." He smiles at her before adding, "Do you think it would be too forward to… put out on the first date? I'm not sure I'm up to date on the latest social norms in this area and I hate to commit a faux pas."

Maya gently sets down the cup of coffee she was about to sip and breathes in through her nose. "I'm probably not the best person to ask but... no, I'm pretty sure that's fine. In fact, in this case, based on the really obvious innuendo, he might be disappointed if you didn't."

"Oh good," he says, oblivious to her discomfort, "I was hoping you'd say that."

Maya picks back up her cup and drinks slowly so as to hide her face. _Well as long as he's happy._

Hammerlock just keeps grinning, his mood seemingly unflappable at the moment. Another awkward moment passes before his eyebrows shoot up and he looks at her. "I just remembered, weren't you saying something about being worried about Krieg what with the way the weather's been lately? I'm sorry we got so off topic."

Maya smiles. So he had been listening, inspite of everything else. "It's fine. I just needed someone to worry at."

Hammerlock shakes his head, "Nonsense, this is a real problem and I'm sure that between two sharp minds like ours, we can find a viable solution."

The spend the rest of their weekly coffee meetup brainstorming and while she's pretty sure none of their solutions would make Krieg feel any more comfortable, she's glad for her friend's assistance all the same.


End file.
